Its hard to make children do whats good for them when theyve got other ideas. Author and psychotherapist Gael Lindenfield shows how pressing the right buttons can make a lasting contribution to your childs wellbeing.

　　Being a smooth motivator

　　Physical force or threats may make children do as theyre told in the short term but their compliance will last only as long as the threat is relevant. Then they will go back to doing what they wanted to do in the first place.

　　The parental approval ploy -- Mummy will be so pleased or Daddy would be so proud of you -- may have limited success when theyre small but it wont work on teenagers, whose strongest motivation is parental disapproval. This sort of eager-to-please passivity is not likely to impress a future boss looking for a go-getter.

　　However, there are ways to build and boost their self-motivation in a way that will be as beneficial to you as to them. Here are some tips on how to help your children want to do what they need to do:

　　当孩子思想不通时，很难使他们做对他们自己有益的事。作家兼心理治疗学家盖尔·林登费尔德向你揭示了下列可能对你的孩子的健康成长具有持久影响的正确方法。

　　强制或威胁也许能使孩子暂时惟命是从，但也仅仅限于威胁起作用的时候。过后，他们又回到原来想做的事上去。

　　父母采用赞许的办法--如：“妈妈会非常高兴”或“爸爸会为你感到自豪”--在孩子很小时有时也许能奏效，但对十几岁的少年却不起作用，这个年龄段的孩子做事总是与父母的意见相悖。这种对“急欲取悦别人”的否定心态将来找工作可就难了，它不可能给老板留下好印象，因为他要的是富有事业心的人。

　　然而，有一些办法可以发展和促进孩子的自我激励意识，它对父母和孩子都有益。以下即是如何帮助你的孩子主动做他们应该做的事的诀窍：

　　☆ Constantly remind them they deserve success - self-esteem is at the heart of self-motivation but remember, your love is not enough. They have to act in a loving way towards themselves so make them aware of behaviour and habits that are self-destructive and self-sabotaging.

　　☆ Fire up their curiosity and excitement about life by extending their horizons -- take them on adventures to new places and ensure they meet as many different kinds of people as possible to broaden their outlook.

　　☆经常提醒他们会取得成功--自尊是自我激励的核心，但要记住仅有你的爱是不够的。他们必须自爱，因此，要使他们认识哪些行为和习惯对自己有害，会造成对己不利的影响。

　　☆扩大他们的视野以激发他们对生活的好奇心和兴奋点--带他们去异国他乡、奇风异俗的地方，尽量接触各色人等，以此扩大他们的视野。

　　☆ Encourage them to pursue realistic dreams -- and make sure these are kept alive and believable. For example, get books or videos or cut out articles about people doing what they want to do, or find a way for them to meet them or write to them. Most successful adults will willingly make time to inspire children who want to be like them.

　　☆ Use pull not push to help them make hard choices and dont let your own fear of the unknown dictate what your children should or shouldnt do. Help them to find out what they really want and what is most likely to work by teaching them decision-making techniques. You cant make all their decisions for them and although you dont always approve or agree with what they want to do, you must be prepared to stand by them and offer support.

　　☆鼓励他们追求可成为现实的梦想--确保这些梦想能够继续和可信。比如，为他们购买关于那些能做自己想做的事的人的书籍、录像或剪报，或为他们想办法与这些人见面或给他们写信。多数功成名就的人都愿花时间激励崇拜他们的孩子。

　　☆使用拉而不推的方法帮助他们做艰难的决择，不要因为担心自己不了解就决定孩子该做什么和不该做什么。教他们做决定的技巧，以此来帮他们认识自己真正想做什么和做什么最有效。你不能一切决定都代他做，尽管你对他们想做的事并非全都赞成或同意，但你必须与他们站在一起并支持他们。